My friend's wife is expecting their first child...so it's lamaze, childbirth classes, and painting the new bedroom. Since I have two kids, he asked me what to expect. What else could I do. I had to lie.

No one can prepare you for the birth process, much less parenthood. I thought it would be like lamaze, soothing music, soft breathing...here honey, have an ice chip. In reality, it was more like the opening ten minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

They had this thing they wrapped around her stomach, which actually allowed me to see the contraction before she felt it. So she's watching me, to know when the next jolt of pain would rock her world. And you thought it was hard trying to fool your parents when you'd been out drinking?

Now, I would never tell any of this to my friend, not that it would matter. Truth is, We're guys.  We don't feel a thing. Our pain starts about 13 years later when your son starts talking smack and your daughter's boyfriend has a tattoo of a snake. Breathe in, breathe out...