By Bob “Sully” Sullivan, Host of “THE COALITION” on NEWRADIO – FM 95.7/AM600 KOGO

DO YOU KNOW "THAT GUY…?”

I got a letter from my Home Owner’s Association a few months ago and today you heard that hilarious story involving HOA/Neighborhood Watch Guy, A golf cart, A BIG Flashlight and pants falling down…

I got one word for you: “oh-brother.”

Neighborhood-Watch Guy and HOA guy are two sides of the same type of man. He's a man with much, much shorter hair than mine.

He's a man who says words I've never used, such as vehicle, correct, altercation and windpipe. He is able to weigh an enormous amount and yet never eat dessert.

Homeowners' associations were supposedly created by the Real Estate god to fundraise for and oversee neighborhood maintenance, and to help developers to efficiently manage and market their properties.

But it often seems that their true purpose in life is to drive homeowners insane.

Governed by boards of directors—homeowners ostensibly chosen by their peers to represent the interests of their communities—HOAs are organizations that have become somewhat infamous for imposing arbitrary fines and liens on "rogue" homeowners LIKE MYSELF, making crap up as they go along, treating people unfairly, enforcing strict adherence to their rules, collecting fees, and acting irrationally or illegally.

The people who sit on their boards are often petty, vindictive, utterly incompetent, and/or control-freakish.

DO YOU KNOW "THAT GUY…?”

Regardless, anyone who wants to move into a housing development ruled by an HOA has to agree to follow the HOA's rules—which can prove troublesome for anyone who's even slightly individualistic, or simply laissez-faire about the color of their neighbors' driveways.

And if you somehow end up on the board's bad side by, say, parking a big black twuck on a side street or planting an unauthorized flower, or flying your flag on the wrong type of pole, it's likely that your HOA will fine you, lien you, and threaten you with foreclosure.

It's not that I mind being watched. In fact, I am so desperate to be watched, I say yes to offers to appear on shows on the E! network.

It's just that I'm less afraid of criminals than of guys that are part of HOA’s or are in a neighborhood watch.

And not only am I worried that they're going to engage me in a discussion about "suspicious persons," which is going to devolve into a long, painful argument about which one of us is racist, but I'm even more panicked that they'll ask me to join their patrols.

The only way I would willingly report my neighbor or watch my neighborhood is if all my TVs broke, the Internet stopped working, I had insomnia and my neighborhood was holding my eyes open with a speculum, Clockwork Orange--style. Even then, I would drive to a more exciting neighborhood and watch it.

HOA guys have always creeped me out because they seem a little eager for something to go wrong, like they've been waiting for one act of heroism to fulfill their lives.

"Oh, we'd love to get sushi and catch The Avengers, but Friday is our night to scream at teenagers sitting on curbs."

As the guy in TIME Magazine wrote: “So while we should indeed celebrate the short-haired men we should know that sometimes all they're doing is saving us from other short-haired men. Yes, we want them on that wall, we need them on that wall, but they're a little too excited to find that wall.

“THAT GUY.” Feel the magic. Giddy up.