“THAT GUY” – A
CHRISTMAS STORY…By Bob “Sully” Sullivan,
Host of “THE
COALITION” on NEWRADIO –600 KOGO

”THAT
GUY” IS BACK AGAIN…DO YOU KNOW ‘THAT GUY…?”

I got
a another letter from my Home Owner’s Association just this
afternoon.

It
seems as though unless you are willing to put up all white lights or all green
lights or all red lights – you can’t put lights up this holiday season at
all.

By
the way, apparently you CAN post signs all over the freaking place advertising
Christmas light installation.

What
happened to MEN that were hung and hung lights?!?!?

I got
one word for you: “oh-brother.”

Neighborhood-Watch Guy and HOA guy
are two sides of the same type of man. He's a man who hasn’t seen his feet since
1980.

He has a flashlight the size of a
Louisville slugger and those Army-Surplus issue combat boots.

He's a man who says words I've never
used, such as vehicle, correct, altercation and windpipe.

He is able to weigh an enormous
amount and yet still attempt to run after “perps” that plant the wrong plant or
hang the wrong colored Christmas lights.

The Real
Estate god to fundraise for and oversee neighborhood maintenance, and to help
developers to efficiently manage and market their properties supposedly created
homeowners’ associations.

But it often
seems that their true purpose in life is to drive homeowners insane.

Governed
by boards of directors—homeowners ostensibly chosen by their peers to represent
the interests of their communities—HOAs are organizations
that have become somewhat infamous for imposing arbitrary fines and liens on
"rogue" homeowners LIKE MYSELF, making crap up as they go along, treating people
unfairly, enforcing strict adherence to their rules, collecting fees, and acting
irrationally or illegally.

The people who
sit on their boards are often petty, vindictive, utterly incompetent, and/or
control-freakish.

DO
YOU KNOW ‘THAT GUY…?”

Regardless,
anyone who wants to move into a housing development ruled by an HOA has to agree
to follow the HOA's rules—which can prove troublesome for anyone who's even
slightly individualistic, or simply laissez-faire about the color of their
neighbors' driveways.

And if
you somehow end up on the board's bad side by, say, parking a big black
twuck on a side street or planting an unauthorized flower, or flying your flag
on the wrong
type of pole, it's likely that your HOA will fine you, lien
you, and threaten you with foreclosure.

It's not that I
mind being watched. In fact, I am so desperate to be watched, I say yes to
offers to appear on shows on the E! network.

It's just that
I'm less afraid of criminals than of guys that are part of HOA’s or are in a
neighborhood watch.

And not only am I
worried that they're going to engage me in a discussion about "suspicious
persons," which is going to devolve into a long, painful argument about which
one of us is racist, but I'm even more panicked that they'll ask me to join
their patrols.

The
only way I would willingly report my neighbor or watch my neighborhood is if all
my TVs broke, the Internet stopped working, I had insomnia and my neighborhood
was holding my eyes open with a speculum, Clockwork Orange--style. Even then, I
would drive to a more exciting neighborhood and watch
it.

HOA guys have
always creeped me out because they seem a little eager for something to go
wrong, like they've been waiting for one act of heroism to fulfill their lives.

"Oh, we'd love to
get sushi and catch SKYFALL, but Friday is our night to scream at teenagers
sitting on curbs."

As the guy in TIME Magazine wrote:
“So while we should indeed celebrate the short-haired men we should know that
sometimes all they're doing is saving us from other short-haired men. Yes, we
want them on that wall, we need them on that wall, but they're a little too
excited to find that wall.

“THAT GUY.” Feel the holiday magic.
Giddy up.